Hard is Necessary

While listening to the Relief Society General Broadcast this weekend, (check it out here), Sister Burton, the RS General President, shared a quote by Elder Oaks that went along beautifully with the post I did last weekend about pain being part of the process:

"Our needed conversions are often achieved more readily by suffering and adversity than by comfort and tranquillity...Through the justice and mercy of a loving Father in Heaven, the refinement and sanctification possible through such experiences can help us achieve what God desires us to become."

-Elder Dallin H. Oaks "The Challenge to Become" Ensign November 2001

My teacher in my master's program is fond of the phrase "Hard is necessary." She uses it in reference to literacy and education: Reading is hard. Hard is necessary. School is hard. Hard is necessary.

I've been thinking about that in relation to my students and my classroom and it's something that they definitely struggle to understand. I hear multiple times a day that what we're doing is "too hard," which they use as an excuse to not do what I've asked them to do.

I think we often use the same excuse. This trial we've been given is "too hard." It's too hard to love this person. It's too hard to forgive this person. It's too hard to be happy when everything around me is crumbling. It's too hard to find a spouse. It's too hard to keep all of the commandments all of the time. It's too hard to be who God wants us to be. Not so.

Elder Holland said, "Salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?" ("Missionary Work and the Atonement" October 2001) He is our perfect example in all things, including suffering.

The Atonement was hard. Hard is necessary. He didn't use that as an excuse to not follow through with what He knew He had to do, even if it was hard. Neither should we. The outcome will be worth the effort.

Life is hard. Hard is necessary.

When I was home this weekend, we started our Saturday with Nalon's first race. He ran in the Mill Race Fun Run. He was so excited and had been telling me about it since I got there Friday night. My parents said he also woke up talking about it on Saturday.

 

He was a proud number 1639.

He ran with the 1st and 2nd grade group. He started to get a little quiet and nervous when they all gathered around.

By the time he got close to the finish where we saw him, he was focused and determined and doing a great job! When he got close to us, I could tell he was looking for us. As soon as he heard us cheering and saw us on the side he grinned, then gritted his teeth and started running harder. He was so cute.

The race was half-mile, so I was impressed that he did so well! That's a long time to run for a little kid.

I'm so glad I'm close enough to be there for little things like this.

Also, my mom is the world's best grandma. But for real. She is.

After the race, we went over to the farmer's market and tried lots of treats, got a free neck massage, bought a few things, and enjoyed the gorgeous fall weather. Later that day my mom and I worked out together; I napped; Mom, Dad, Micah, Nalon, and I went to dinner; Mom, Micah, and I went shopping; and Mom, Micah, and I watched "Forever Strong." I'm tellin' ya - being home is the best.

I went home this weekend for Thomas' football game on Friday night. The game itself was longer than planned (two suspensions for lightning, finally finished the game at 12:30 am), but I also ended up staying longer than planned. I was going to come back Saturday afternoon, but ended up staying through until Sunday morning when I had to come back to teach Sunday School in my ward. It's hard for me to leave when I'm there because my parents' house has become synonymous with vacation in my mind now. Over the last fiver years, the only time I've been home was when I was on vacation so going there is like going to a different world where stress and responsibility don't exist. It's hard to return from that.

But I did, and now I'm experiencing what I like to refer to as my Sunday evening depression. I had this when I was in school and now it's back. It's the dread of impending doom that comes with knowing that I have to start a new week tomorrow and go back to doing things that aren't fun and require too much energy and effort. Weekends should last forever.

On my way home this morning, I listened to a song called "Sometimes He Lets It Rain" by Katherine Nelson. It's long been one of my favorites and it makes me cry almost every time. I tried to find a video to post here so you could listen to it, but the only thing I could find was some lady doing sign language to the song and making some disturbing faces, so I opted for lyrics instead.

"She sees the storm clouds gather
The sky is turning cold and gray
She knows that something's coming
When she starts to feel this way
She pleads for intervention
But Heaven offers no relief
And she would understand if she could only see that

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm
To lead a heart where it can grow
He can move mountains of grief
And oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain

When her heart surrenders
To the Master in control
Her spirit learns the lessons of the tempest in her soul
When it's no longer raging
She can see how far she's come
Through the wisdom and the mercy of the Son

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm
To lead a heart where it can grow
He can move mountains of grief
And oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain."

Through this song, I've learned a really powerful lesson: sometimes the pain is part of the process. I know that trials are part of life and I understand the power they have in teaching us. I guess I always believed, though, that as we turned to God in those trials, we would be comforted and receive strength to keep going. That's not always the case. He has all-power and he definitely can remove the "mountains of grief and oceans of pain." But sometimes, that's not what we need. That's not what will help us. He's the Master in control and He knows where He wants us to end up, and "Sometimes it takes a storm/To lead a heart where it can grow." The very process that is so painful and difficult sometimes is the medium through which he tempers us, teaches us, and polishes us. Some lessons we can only learn when we don't get the relief we so desperately search for. Sometimes we have to endure.

Through a few conversations this week with a couple of people who are going through some not-so-happy situations, I've been reminded that our happiness really is what we make it.

Something that I need to work on.

In the Book of Mormon, in Mormon chapter 9 verse 14 Moroni talks about our eternal state. He says, "And then cometh the judgment of the Holy One upon them...and he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still." Our ability to be happy in any situation, regardless of our circumstances is an eternal characteristic that we should be trying to develop now. If we can't figure out how to be happy in this life, we won't be happy in the next life, either. Happiness is something that comes from within us and it comes from living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We can't rely on external conditions or forces to make us happy or we will be constantly disappointed.

This has become sharply clear to me over the last few weeks as I have had the great opportunity to try to be happy, even in difficult circumstances. I haven't been very successful so far. I always said I'd be happy once I graduated from college and could just work. Now that I'm graduated, I have a job that requires more work than college ever did and is absolutely exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not really what I had in mind when imagining my post-bachelor's bliss.

The key is not to pin our happiness on future circumstances, but to learn to derive our happiness from the approval and love of our Heavenly Father, who will give that to us as long as we are keeping the commandments and trying to live the best that we can, including loving and serving others and keeping ourselves pure. As we go forward, we may not always be in ideal conditions, but our confidence can "wax strong in the presence of God" (D&C 121:45). And that's where true happiness comes from.

Oh yeah, and I got another prayer answered before I even said it. Seriously, things are a little out of control lately. I don't know if I'm just more susceptible to the Spirit because I am drowning or what, but I have had so many strong witnesses and manifestations of God's love for me in the last few weeks than ever before. Another one: Friday afternoon was one of the worst hours I've had since I started teaching, and that's saying something. It was awful. I was so frustrated and so upset, wondering why it is so darn hard to manage a group of thirteen year-olds. I mean, really. They're thirteen. I'm twenty-six. I am double their age. I've got lots of years, lots of experience, and lots of knowledge on them. I should be able to do this. And I'm just not. So after crying it out with a friend and then trying to keep the tears in in front of a co-worker, I went to a mandatory neuroscience conference for my graduate program. I so did not want to go to this thing - not my idea of a good Friday night activity. But I went and the presenter shared an hour's worth of concrete, implementable strategies for catching and keeping student's attention in class. Exactly what I had struggled with that day.

God's not joking around on this one. He's making a serious statement about not only how important I am to him, but how important these kids are. And He has entrusted them to my care. He wants the best for them even more than I do and He is doing everything He can to make sure they get what the deserve. I hope I'm up to the task.

It's past my bedtime, and these days, bedtimes are important. My alarm will be sounding in an all-too-short seven hours and I've got to go to bed. But I just have to get something down so I don't forget it.

Today didn't suck.

I came back after being out sick yesterday and to be honest, it was a fight to keep myself from calling in again today. Not because I wasn't feeling well, but because I just.didn't.want to. The note left from my sub wasn't very good which did not help my excitement for dealing with needy, insubordinate kids who apparently have never learned a think about accountability in their lives. (This is just how I was feeling. Not necessarily true. I know a lot of them have awesome parents who teach them lots of important stuff).

So I got it together and I went on with my day. And it didn't suck. Sure, there were several times when they completely disregarded my directions or were completely oblivious to the fact that I was even speaking. Yes, I did end up sending two students to the dean's office (their final consequence) in my last period class and had three others who got detentions. Of course, the lack of drive and effort displayed by some of the kids was depressing.

But I also saw a girl who had just barely gotten suspended come to my room to let me know she wasn't going to be there for the next few days. And she looked genuinely upset.

But I also had two students who were stimulated and excited about what they were reading in class today because it was new, interesting, and challenging. One of them asked if she could write the essay about it even though it wasn't required. She already did. And she emailed it to me. And it's awesome.

But I also had three students who came to eat lunch in my classroom not because they had a lunch detention, but because they wanted to. Because they feel safer, happier, or more comfortable in my room than in the cafeteria, even though eating in my room means they have to be silent while others are serving detentions.

But I also had a student come into my room to read for just two minutes of his passing period because he couldn't get enough of the book he's reading for SSR.

But I also had another teacher tell me that he overheard one student telling another that my class is tough, but it's ok because I'm "really cool."

But I also got to the end of my day, and I was still happy. That so rarely happens.

I'm not naive enough to believe that things are turning around in my classroom. Today was as difficult as any other day has been. The students were as unruly and disrespectful as they have always been. But today I chose to not let it affect me. And I chose to be happy. A happy teacher is a more effective teacher, right?

Today I felt for the first time that maybe, eventually, somehow I could actually do something worthwhile in my classroom.

Like make a difference in a kid's life. Maybe.

An Angel and a Freight Train

Sometimes, when life sucks, Heavenly Father sends us angels, literal answers to our prayers, to show us He still loves us. And then he sends His Spirit with the force of a freight train so that we know exactly where that blessing came from.

Oh, btw, I'm speaking from personal experience.

If you remember, leading up to coming home and taking this job as a 7th and 8th grade English teacher, I received several really powerful witnesses that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. In one of my blog posts I wondered why He would confirm that to me so many times. Well, I found out.

It's the worst thing I've ever done.

I wasn't totally naive coming into this; I knew it would be hard. I just didn't think it would be this hard. Or not in so many different ways. All at one time. But it is. To be completely honest, I hate my job. I hate everything about it, except maybe that because of my job I'll get to go to Turkey next year for only $1000.

I rely so heavily on those confirmations now to get me through my days, and I am so grateful for an all-knowing Heavenly Father who gave me those experiences in advance so I would be able to push through when the questions arise in my mind about whether or not I made the right choice. I know I did. I don't know why it's the right choice, but I know it is.

I'm sorry if you're getting sick of only hearing about my personal messages from God. Most other things going on in my life are things I'd like to forget.

Now back to yesterday's experience. I had stayed after school on what was a pretty awful day and was trying to get work done while becoming increasingly overwhelmed by everything I had to do and the limited time and energy I had left with which to do it. Somehow, corralling 70 middle schoolers all day every day just sucks all the energy out of me. I had no lesson plan for the next day, no unit plan from which to draw a daily plan, and I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then an angel popped her head in the window of the door in my classroom. My MTLD Emily is my direct supervisor at Teach For America and it's her job to support teachers any way she can. She happened to be in the building helping another teacher, so she stopped over to see how I was doing. Her timing couldn't have been more impeccable. We talked for a minute, she asked what I was doing the next day in class, I said I had no idea. Shocking. So she said, "Ok. Let's come up with something!" In less than ten minutes, I had a lesson plan for the next day. And a pretty good one, at that. It would have taken me at least an hour to come up with that, due to my state of mind. She, with her fresh attitude and years of teaching experience, was able to come in and pretty much hand me a top-notch lesson plan on what seemed like a silver platter.

She literally saved my day. I was able to go home and get in my bed by 9:30. A miracle, to be sure.

Here's where the freight train comes in. As I was telling my friend about this later that night, I received such an overwhelming feeling of peace and love that I couldn't even finish my sentence. I knew that Emily's appearance wasn't just a happy coincidence. It was a perfectly orchestrated gift from a Heavenly Father who loves me, is mindful of my needs, and wants me to know that He knows how much I'm struggling right now. But He also wants me to know that He will push me through. It's not me. It's Him. He sent me here and He won't leave me alone. In John 14:18, Christ teaches His disciples about the Holy Ghost, and he says: "I will not leave you ^acomfortless: I will ^bcome to you."

I know that's true. He did it for me.

This is so late, but the week that I got to Indiana we celebrated Emerson's 8th birthday. We ate dinner at, you guessed it, Texas Roadhouse. (We've been there three times since I moved in a month and a half ago. It's a bit of a family obsession).

 

For her birthday, she got to get her ears pierced. She was so  excited.

With her loot. How cute is this girl? 

Emerson is such a sweet, loving girl. She always has a hug for me and is excited to see me when I come home. She wants to be around me all the time and gets sad any time I have to leave, even if just to go running. She's very helpful and is a great big sister. She does an awesome job at school and she just got fourth (out of probably 30 kids) in her grade at the Warren Township fun run. She's wonderful to have around!