Our big family celebration is Christmas Eve instead of Christmas. Everyone comes over to my parents' house for a nice dinner with fancy Christmas dishes and sparkling grape juice. We've now gotten big enough that we don't all fit around my parents' giant dining room table, so we have a kids' table for the four older grandchildren. (I remember sitting at the kids' table at my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving. I loved spending time with my cousins.) After dinner, we do presents with Tessa and Isaac's families who won't be here Christmas morning. Maybe someday I'll have a reason to not be here on Christmas morning. Like maybe kids of my own or in-laws or something. Maybe.

This family time has become so precious to me over the last few years. I've grown to just really, really like my family. I like to be around them; I like to talk to them; I like to do just about anything with them. That love has grown since I've been back because I get to be around them more and also, well, they're the only friends that I have in this state. Fortunately, they're a pretty good group to fall back on.

Yesterday I went to church in my parents' ward, and I had the chance to sing a solo in their Sacrament Meeting. It was a genuine pleasure to sing about the Savior in a room filled with people who I love and who have loved me since I was a baby. I was filled with love as I looked at their faces, and talking to them afterwards allowed me to feel of their love for me.

In this season of love, the greatest love of all, though, is the love of our Heavenly Father, and our Savior Jesus Christ.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Greater man hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

The incredible gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ came from both of them: God the Father, as He allowed His precious, perfect son to be brutally beaten, persecuted, and killed for the good of the rest of his children, and Christ, as He willingly gave everything He had so that we could have everything He had. Through his love and sacrifice, we have access to His peace.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you... John 14:27

The song I sang yesterday was based on this famous verse in Isaiah: For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

In the song, the arranger added a few extra lines, expounded upon what those lines mean. One of the lines that hit me the most said, "And his name called be called Wonderful, for the world will be healed by his pow'r. He will be our unfailing counselor in each uncertain hour."

He is our wonderful and patient counselor, and through His love, we can and will be healed. That power is available to everyone, regardless of age, race, socioeconomic status, or background. There is never a too late or too far. His love is available to all.

This Christmas season, I am touched by the love of my family, and extended family, and most of all by the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior, who have showered me with their love.

My stars aligned this evening. I don't know what it is, but tonight has just been a good night. I left work and went to dinner with friends (delicious Peruvian dinner, btw - best decision ever), I saw my niece's Christmas play, I came home and wrestled with the smallest ones, and I worked out. On a school night. By choice. It was a miracle. And you know what? It felt good. THEN I read my scriptures, and I actually learned something. A good something. A something that I'm sharing because it is so, so necessary. Not new. Just necessary.

I was reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma chapter 27. In verse 5, one word stuck out to me: grace. Alma said that through their actions, they abounded "in the grace of God." They had done a few things to get this abundance: there was equality among them, they were not prideful, they respected each other, and they worked to support themselves. Through those actions, they qualified for the grace of God.

I turned to one of my favorite passages in the Bible Dictionary about Grace and rediscovered the beauty and profundity of it. Here's the good part:

"It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ, and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power..."

I first discovered this passage on my mission, and it was so powerful for me as I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and frustration at my own weaknesses. Today, though, it hit me for a different reason.

Just as I was saying yesterday, I'm in a situation that seems impossible for me to maintain. I struggle every day with different things at work and sometimes I sincerely consider whether or not I can do it. But it is through the grace of my Savior Jesus Christ that I am able to continue. More than that, it is through His grace that I can continue on even better than I'm doing now. I can receive strength and assistance to do good works. Good things. I can do good things with his help, even though I wouldn't be able to do it on my own.

This is my situation, but this same principle applies to everyone. Through grace, we are able to do good things which, because of our fallen nature, we are not capable of doing on our own. Grace is the power that helps the exhausted mother get up every few hours in the night to nurse a tiny baby or take care of a sick child. Grace is the power that helps a lonely soldier fight with bravery and diligence, thousands of miles away from his loved ones. Grace is the power that helps a desperate father spend hours every day trying to secure employment to provide for his family. Grace is the power that helps a discouraged recovering drug addict push forward against years of temptation and weakness. Grace is the power that helps a freezing and hungry missionary knock door after door for hours with no success. Grace is the power that helps a a single woman serve families around her while she yearns for a family of her own.

Grace is the power that helps each of us rise to a higher plane. Grace is the power that enables us to become more than we are. It is through the grace of Jesus Christ that we become like Jesus Christ, and as we become more like him, we more clearly understand and love Him.Without His grace, we cannot do anything. With His grace, we can do everything.

This is very honest. Please don't judge me.

The shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School has caused me to reflect - not about my close relationships and how I value those in my life, because in all honesty, I feel like I do a pretty good job of that. Of course there are ways I can improve, but I feel like the people that I love know and feel that I love them.

Instead, my reflections have been centered around the story of the teacher who protected her students and lost her life because of it. I've heard an account that she died huddled over them, and I've also heard that she hid them in closets and cupboards, then lied to the gunman about where they were when he came to her classroom. He then killed her and moved on, leaving the kids alive. I don't know which one is true. Regardless of the exact events, she sacrificed her life for her students.

There's a verse in the Bible that says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13. I talk to teachers all the time who feel this kind of love for their students - who would, and do, give everything for their kids.

I'm not sure if I would.

Now, I'd like to think that my deep belief and love for Jesus Christ would make me into the kind of person who would give her life for anyone, regardless of whether or not I even know the person. I'd really like to believe that, but I've never been given the chance to prove it so I can't be sure. Put me in that situation with my siblings, or my nieces and nephews, or my best friends and there is no question. But strangers? But my students who make me crazy every day? I don't know.

When you serve people, you're supposed to love them, right? With time, the sacrifice that you make  creates within you a deep-rooted concern that bonds you to those people. That's one of the main things that creates the unconditional love of a parent - the sacrifice. Goodness knows I sacrifice for these children. The majority of my time and thoughts is wrapped up in them, but so often it's just not positive. They don't appreciate a second of it, and I resent them for it. As much as I wish I had nerves of steel and dignity that's unbreakable, the truth is that they hurt my feelings on a daily basis. It's just so hard to not take it personally when they're so dang mean. There have been plenty of times when I am not even willing to sacrifice a few more minutes after school to help a student who's struggling because I want to go home. I refuse to stay up late working on things for school. I have a limit to what I'm willing to sacrifice. While I can confidently say I would never wish bodily harm upon them, would I naturally react to protect them? Would my instinct be to put myself between them and harm's way or would I hesitate? Would I sacrifice everything for them if I'm not even willing to sacrifice a few minutes?

If my answer is no, what business do I have even being in front of them every day? What right do I have to stand in front of them and demand their respect when I don't always respect them? What am I doing to deserve their respect?

The truth is I'm not sure. I don't know if I love them at all, let alone enough to lay down my life for them. I just don't know, but I can say this - today as I was thinking about this on my way to school and during the school-wide meeting we had this morning, I wanted to hug each of them when they walked through my door. I didn't, because I'm just not there yet. But I wanted to. That's something I guess.

Have you heard this song?


The band is Imagine Dragons. Maybe you've heard of them?

I'd like to tell you why this song simultaneously excites me and depresses me.

I first heard Imagine Dragons in Provo. Some of the members of the band have changed, but the lead singer is the same. They played at a Battle of the Bands that I went to on a blind date with my friend Rachel. She had a friend who was coming up from Las Vegas and he had a friend with him, so I went as his friend's date. It turned out to be a killer date because the guy I went with ended up getting in a fight with someone else and dropping the f-bomb. Way to make a good impression. Aside from it being grossly immature and inappropriate, I mostly thought it was hilarious.

The band was great. I initially fell in love with them because one of the members, who is no longer in the band apparently, was extremely attractive. Looking at them now, I think he wasn't quite grungy enough to fit in with their current look, so it's probably for the best. Except for him who does not have a major recording contract and a song playing all over the radio. Poor guy.

The next semester, I took a beginning songwriting class and wouldn't you know it, both the lead singer and the other cute guy were in my class. They were better than almost everyone in the class because, well, they weren't really beginners. At the end of the semester we did a songwriters' showcase where we all performed an original song. We got a CD at the end of the performance. That's right, I'm on the same CD as these guys. I'm sure they listen to my song every day.

This is why the song is exciting: I heard them live way before they were famous and I actually got to see the lead singer in his songwriting process. I knew his name (Dan Reynolds) and saw him regularly. I am confident he never knew my name and was completely oblivious to my existence.

This is why the song is depressing: I was in the same songwriting class as this guy. He is now performing and recording for millions of people (my dream). I am now teaching English to middle schoolers (no one's dream).

I understand that sometimes dreams don't quite work out the way you want them to, but it makes it really hard to not feel jealous when someone else does get to live your dream.