This is very honest. Please don't judge me.

The shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School has caused me to reflect - not about my close relationships and how I value those in my life, because in all honesty, I feel like I do a pretty good job of that. Of course there are ways I can improve, but I feel like the people that I love know and feel that I love them.

Instead, my reflections have been centered around the story of the teacher who protected her students and lost her life because of it. I've heard an account that she died huddled over them, and I've also heard that she hid them in closets and cupboards, then lied to the gunman about where they were when he came to her classroom. He then killed her and moved on, leaving the kids alive. I don't know which one is true. Regardless of the exact events, she sacrificed her life for her students.

There's a verse in the Bible that says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13. I talk to teachers all the time who feel this kind of love for their students - who would, and do, give everything for their kids.

I'm not sure if I would.

Now, I'd like to think that my deep belief and love for Jesus Christ would make me into the kind of person who would give her life for anyone, regardless of whether or not I even know the person. I'd really like to believe that, but I've never been given the chance to prove it so I can't be sure. Put me in that situation with my siblings, or my nieces and nephews, or my best friends and there is no question. But strangers? But my students who make me crazy every day? I don't know.

When you serve people, you're supposed to love them, right? With time, the sacrifice that you make  creates within you a deep-rooted concern that bonds you to those people. That's one of the main things that creates the unconditional love of a parent - the sacrifice. Goodness knows I sacrifice for these children. The majority of my time and thoughts is wrapped up in them, but so often it's just not positive. They don't appreciate a second of it, and I resent them for it. As much as I wish I had nerves of steel and dignity that's unbreakable, the truth is that they hurt my feelings on a daily basis. It's just so hard to not take it personally when they're so dang mean. There have been plenty of times when I am not even willing to sacrifice a few more minutes after school to help a student who's struggling because I want to go home. I refuse to stay up late working on things for school. I have a limit to what I'm willing to sacrifice. While I can confidently say I would never wish bodily harm upon them, would I naturally react to protect them? Would my instinct be to put myself between them and harm's way or would I hesitate? Would I sacrifice everything for them if I'm not even willing to sacrifice a few minutes?

If my answer is no, what business do I have even being in front of them every day? What right do I have to stand in front of them and demand their respect when I don't always respect them? What am I doing to deserve their respect?

The truth is I'm not sure. I don't know if I love them at all, let alone enough to lay down my life for them. I just don't know, but I can say this - today as I was thinking about this on my way to school and during the school-wide meeting we had this morning, I wanted to hug each of them when they walked through my door. I didn't, because I'm just not there yet. But I wanted to. That's something I guess.