I'm pushing 30 with no husband (let's be honest, no promising dates even), no kids, no social life, and no house. Those are all exaggerations of course (except for the husband, kids, and house), but you get the idea. While these circumstances may seem pretty good to a lot of people, they are not my ideal. As such, I've become a regular player on a game show (with no audience) I like to call The Comparison Game. Here's how it works:
First, I feel lonely and sad.
Second, I get on social media (because I have no husband or children, remember? It's my only form of social interaction (this is also an exaggeration)).
Third, I begin comparing my (real) life to the (portrayed) lives of my social media contacts who may or may not be my friends.
At this point, The Comparison Game can take two different turns (much like choosing a career or college in The Game of Life): 1) Compare what I don't have to what they do have, or 2) Compare what I do have to what they don't have. Option 1 quickly leads to depression, so I don't take that one too often, unless I'm already feeling down and want to wallow in self-pity. For this post, I'll focus on Option 2: comparing what I do have to what they don't have. Just to be clear, all of this comes about because no matter what they and I do or don't have, all I really care about is that they have the two things that I don't have that I want: husband and children. Everything else is really irrelevant, but irrelevancy is not a factor in The Comparison Game.
Fourth, I get to the gritty comparisons. The question I'm seeking to answer here is "What do I have (or not have) that they probably want (or don't want)?" But really, the pitiful and shameful question I'm answering here is, "What reasons can I find to show that I am still as valuable as this other person?" (please keep in mind that I am in no way condoning these thought processes).
Here are some common things I have that they don't have and probably want (You see, it's all about my perception):
1. A clean car.
2. Clean clothes.
3. Plenty of sleep.
4. Several vacations a year.
5. Time to read or watch TV or do whatever I want.
6. Disposable income (I don't really have much of this, but probably more than people with money-sucking kids, right?)
7. Time and motivation to look nice every day (again, this really is just not something I have).
8. Freedom.
This is all fine and good until people actually do have all of these things. Because, you see, I'm comparing my real, complete, intimate life full of shortcomings and faults to their idealized, full social media life. It's hard for The Comparison Game to have the desired effect (feeling better about myself and my circumstances) when other people's circumstances look pretty darn good. Sure, this works with some of my friends who don't have as many material comforts as I do or who have children who refuse to sleep or who are just actually honest in their social media representation of their lives. But I've also got plenty of beautiful, well-dressed, stylish friends who have gorgeous husbands and adorable, healthy children who are great sleepers. Their houses are out of a magazine and they travel the world with kids in tow.
So in the end, this game really just leads back to the same feeling of loneliness, insecurity, and frustration. Sure, these friends have other trials that I don't have but comparing trials is something that is just not even worth discussing. As long as I'm seeking comfort in some kind of comparable blessing tally, I won't find it. Comparing myself to others doesn't lead to the reassuring, self-affirming love and comfort I'm seeking because that's not the way Heavenly Father works. He doesn't have a certain set of blessings to give each of us, each weighted equally with those of our neighbor so as to keep things fair. In fact, I think He probably doesn't consider our blessings in comparison to anyone else's at any time.
In a talk given in April of 2002 (
link here), Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles addressed this point exactly: "Brothers and sisters, I testify that no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us—insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn't measure our talents or our looks; He doesn't measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other. I know that if we will be faithful, there is a perfectly tailored robe of righteousness ready and waiting for everyone, 'robes … made … white in the blood of the Lamb.'"
This is one thing I know for certain: Our Heavenly Father knows each of us absolutely perfectly. He knows our every thought, feeling, worry, and fear. He knows what we've done and He knows what we can do. He knows what is best for us because He knows us best. Because of that, He gives us blessings and trials that are tailor fit to our needs, absolutely regardless of what He gives to other people. These blessings and trials are meant to build and form us into the celestial beings He knows we can become. Yet, it is sometimes still so hard to remember, as we see those around us receiving everything we want while we are still waiting for our time.
In the same talk, Elder Holland quotes the feeling of an author which I feel encapsulates perfectly the motivation behind The Comparison Game: "In a world that constantly compares people, ranking them as
more or less intelligent, more or less attractive, more or less successful, it
is not easy to really believe in a [divine] love that does not do the same.
When I hear someone praised, it is hard not to think of myself as
less praiseworthy; when I read about the goodness and kindness of other people,
it is hard not to wonder whether I myself am as good and kind as they; and when
I see trophies, rewards, and prizes being handed out to special people, I
cannot avoid asking myself why that didn't happen to me."
That last line especially applies to me, the trophies, rewards, and prizes being a family. At this point in my life, I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have who are still in a comparable situation to mine. It's hard not to wonder what I'm doing wrong. I don't understand it, but I've been living it long enough to know that Heavenly Father knows a whole lot more than I do and He loves me more than I can understand, so if this is what's best for me right now, I can take His word for it. It's obviously much easier said than done, but as I seek to stay close to the Spirit, I see the Lord's hand in my life in major ways, and this strengthens my conviction that He knows and cares about me and has not forsaken me.
I know I am not the only player in The Comparison Game, though the desired blessing is surely different for each person (obviously, since I am the only single person left in the entire world). Regardless of who plays, though, there are no winners in The Comparison Game, because we are really not meant to be compared at all. As Elder Holland said our rivals are not each other. The Lord has promised that "all men are privileged
the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden" (2 Nephi 26:28). Because of Jesus Christ, we have already won the greatest gift and blessing of all - immortality and eternal life with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Our only worry, then, should be making sure we are worthy of the prize.
