The Source of Worth

After my cousin's sealing yesterday, we stayed to do an endowment session. In the Celestial Room afterwards, my mom and I ended up talking about accepting the Lord's will and not demanding things from Him - even things we think are righteous. In order to truly accept His will, we have to actually accept whatever that is. Our conversation turned to my struggle with still being single, as it often does, and whether or not I would be ok with never getting married, if that's what His plan for me was. Whenever I bring this up, people quickly dismiss it as being pessimistic, but to me it is a very real possibility. And it's a question that has caused me a lot of contemplation: if I never got married, would I be ok? Right now, my answer is no, and that tells me that I still have some work to do towards having complete faith in God and His plan for me. I have worked hard on being patient and accepting His timing, but the implicit assumption is that it will happen. I can wait patiently, but I still have the expectation that it will come. I have to get myself to the point where I can say confidently that yes, of course it's still what I want and I will continue hoping and preparing for it, but if it's not the Lord's will for me, I will be ok. I'm not talking about giving up hope or lowering my expectations. I'm talking about truly and completely trusting Him, whatever it is He chooses to bless me with. 

I have a wonderful life - a loving, supportive family who fills me to absolute bursting, a meaningful job that I enjoy, a beautiful home and plenty of material goods, and countless opportunities to see the world and other cultures. I have been blessed with so much, yet I so often discredit all of that because I don't have what I really want - a husband and children. I make plans and do fun things, but in the back of my mind, I'm still waiting for my life to start. I can't live that way forever. If I really never have the opportunity to get married in this life, I can't have spent my 80+ years waiting for something better. Despite the blessings and opportunities I've had, I've carried with me this burden of insecurity that somehow I'm less of a person - less of a woman, less of a church member, less of a contributor, less of an adult - because I'm single. I assume that others see me and immediately think, "Oh what a shame. She's single." For the past few years, so much of my thoughts and desires have been wrapped up in this one thing, that I perceive it as now being part of my identity. I know in my mind that I am smart, funny, strong, spiritual, and beautiful, but it seems that those things take a backseat to the fact that I'm single. I know in my mind that that's not true, and I know those thoughts don't come from God. In his eyes, my value derives from the fact that I am His daughter and I have divine potential, which I am working to achieve. Now that I've recognized it, I have to work on separating my worth and value as a person from my marital status. Even if I were to get married and have children, my value would not increase. The life I have right now is enough. I am enough. 

Lately: Spriiiiing!

It's spring! Spring is my favorite season - the weather gets warmer, the flowers start blooming, the trees are flowery and beautiful, the air smells amazing, school starts to wind down. It does so much to enliven my soul and remind me that no winter - literal or figurative - lasts forever. There's always the promise of beauty and warmth and life just waiting on the other side.

1. Easter Sunday was General Conference, so we had a family brunch at our house before the sessions started. Late start times for conference is just another advantage of living in the Eastern United States. We ate delicious food and had an Easter egg hunt. I love this family of mine, and I'm grateful to know that because Christ rose again from the grave, we will also rise again and we can live together forever!

My parents celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary just a few weeks ago. I am so grateful for the example they've given me of a loving, successful marriage that has taken work, patience, and absolute faith in the Lord and each other. Their road has not been easy, but they have kept the Lord in their individual lives and in their marriage and it has made all the difference. They are consistently the greatest influence for good in my life.

Mom, Dad, and Micah stayed for the first session of Conference, but Isaac, Dominika, and Adelina stayed the whole day. I have to confess that I didn't get nearly as much out of Conference when there was a baby girl to distract me. :)

The twins got fancy duct tape in their Easter baskets and this is how they chose to use it. It was a pretty quiet afternoon. :)

2. A few weeks ago I babysat Adelina while Isaac and Dominika went to a wedding. Adelina and I are good friends and she usually really likes me. This day, though, she was super tired and cranky the whole night. No matter what we tried - eating, bathing, playing - she would get sick of it and start crying within a few minutes. Finally I just got her ready for bed and started walking with her. It took about three hours to get her solidly asleep in her bed, but we did it! Those squishy sleeping cheeks and lips made the whole ordeal worth it. I can't even think about her moving away from me without getting a knot in my stomach. I love this baby girl.

3. My current obsession: pickles and turkey. I'm not a pickles-on-sandwiches kind of person, but lately I can't get enough. The bigger the slices, the better. It's so good.

4. Micah turned 18 on April 14th, so I went down to Columbus to watch her track meet. She's doing pole vault, long jump, and hurdles now. Basically, she's superhuman and does everything. She's the best and I'm so glad she's my sister!

5. Last week, my principal asked me to serve on an interview committee for our new assistant principal. It ended up being a really fun day hanging out with a few of my favorite co-workers and eating whoopie pies with raspberries in the middle (as delicious as it sounds). I love my job for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons is because of the awesome people I work with. A lot of people have put in a lot of work to build a sense of community at our school, and I love being a part of it.

6. To celebrate Micah's birthday, we had a girls' night at Cheesecake Factory. We had intended to go shopping afterwards, but the mall was closed so we were only able to hit Macy's.

7. I had no plans last Saturday, so I was able to go to Jonah's soccer game. I knew it was a beautiful day, but I had no idea how hot it would be so I did not dress appropriately. Consequently, I hid under the shade of my umbrella the whole time, along with an occasional mini-companion.

There's Jonah in the gray.

Afterwards, Cooper and Campbell rode with me to get some groceries at Wal-Mart. We were all hungry, though, so we stopped for a snack at Wendy's. While we were there, Campbell pointed out that there was a store named Cato (the name of our cat), and I thought...hmm..I need some clothes. So we went to Cato and I shopped for about an hour while they played around me. They really were so good and patient, and I was struck by how easy it was for them to entertain themselves. We got a big dressing room, so while I tried on clothes they played house under the bench and weighed in on my selections ("no" pile, "maybe" pile, "yes" pile). They're the best.

8. This week was Micah's final choir concert. I like to support her anyway, but I feel especially committed to attending anything she does in choir or theater, since those were my activities in high school. At the end, they do a tribute to seniors with their baby picture and senior picture. She's so cute. It's crazy to me that she's old enough to be a senior. It was an added bonus to be able to hang out with my parents, who crack me up.

Micah and I at the senior reception before her show (in clothes I bought with the twins the weekend before. :) )

9. Yesterday my cousin Jacie got married. I went down to the temple with my mom and dad and my grandma. I'm so blessed to come from such a strong heritage of faith. I picked Grandma up and she was telling me about how she had woken up at 2:45 that morning and couldn't go back to sleep so she got up and read her scriptures. I was so touched that even in her old age, the first thing she does in the morning is read the scriptures. Her faith and diligence is inspiring to me, and I know so much of the good in my life comes from the choices she made throughout her life to put the Lord first. 


The reception was in the afternoon, and the rest of our family, minus Jacob and most of the grandkids, met us there. After the reception, we went to dinner together. It took a while to find a place that didn't have an hour-long wait, but we finally landed at Buffalo Wild Wings, where we then waited an hour to get our food. AN HOUR. It was absolutely insane, but we enjoyed each other and our 50% discount once the food actually did come out.

This pretty girl got a lot of attention, since she was the only kid there. She got pretty tired, though, so she also got to play on the floor and make a mess. I guess that's what the restaurant gets when they take forever with food - bigger messes to clean up afterwards.

And just because I can't leave it at #9:

10. I'm moving next month! A few girls from the YSA branch and I found a cute place near downtown (five minutes from work!!!) and we move in the middle of May. I'm really excited to get back out on my own and live with roommates again, and I'm out-of-my-mind excited about an hour less of driving every day, but I will really miss my current roommates. :( Living with Tessa and her kids the past three years has been the biggest blessing since I moved back to Indiana, and they have been the answer to my prayers on countless occasions. I'm so grateful that I was able to stay with them as long as I have.

Utah/San Francisco: Back to Utah

On the way back, we drove through northern California, stopped to sleep in Reno, Nevada, then continued home. The California part of the drive was beautiful! 

Nevada, not so much. The one cool thing about Nevada is that it's so dry and windy that there were tons of these little (or not so little) dust storms that would start up. Some looked like clouds, some like actual twisters. It was fascinating to look around and see as many as eight different dust clouds at once.

We got back Tuesday night just in time to grab sushi at Happy Sumo - my true happy place.

Over the next couple of days I hung out during the day while Jaime worked, then we played in the evenings. We went to see "Insurgent" and shopped for Angela's bridal shower.

Angela's sister Rachel had the shower at her house then several of us pitched in for food and games. It was adorable and ended up being really fun! I was excited to be able to be a part of it, even though I live so far away.

I love these best friends. We missed all our other friends who couldn't make it!

Friday Jaime and I met our friends Jayne Weaver and Whitney Ashby (and Whitney's sister Shawny) in Farmington for sushi. I'm so grateful to have so many wonderful friends!

My flight home was surprisingly good. I flew from Utah to Indiana, by way of Phoenix. On both of my flights, I had the privilege of sitting next to two different older couples - both of whom had been married for over 40 years. I was so inspired by their faith in and love of each other. I asked the first couple what had kept them in it for so long. The wife pointed to her husband and said, "Him." The husband said, "I made a promise." In General Conference the next day, I was taught again that marriage is God's creation and it was never meant to be temporary. I believe in marriage between a man and a woman as God's divinely created structure for his children to come into the world and be taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful for the examples I've seen of faithful, committed marriages which inspire me to continue hoping for and seeking my own. It was a wonderful end to a wonderful trip!

I landed early Saturday morning - about 5:30 am - and had only slept for about an hour and a half, so I came home and slept most of the morning until Conference started. I managed to stay awake for both sessions - only dozing during the very last talk. I felt pretty proud of that! I'm glad I had a couple days home before I had to go to work, though. It was a wonderful and exhausting trip!

Utah/San Francisco Part 4: Redwoods

Our final destination was Humboldt Redwoods State Park - home of the Coast Redwoods. We drove up Sunday evening, hit some of the stops along the Avenue of the Giants, stayed in a cute cabin in the woods, then drove back through Monday morning on our way out. The majesty of these trees is stunning. You see pictures, and yeah, they're big trees. But until you're standing next to this beast of a living thing and can't even see the top of it, you just have no idea. No words and no photos can do them justice. The two words that kept coming to mind were majestic and stunning. I absolutely loved it.

One of the cool features of these trees is that the branches don't really start until at lesat thirty or forty (probably 100 in some cases) feet off the ground so they're just these giant trunks with impressively thick bark.

The trees we saw varied in size, obviously, but the biggest we saw I think was about seventeen feet in diameter. Crazy!

If trees could talk! These guys have been around for a looong time.

While in the park, I kept thinking of the *NSYNC music video for "This I Promise You," which was filmed there. If only Justin had accompanied me on this trip.

I'm dwarfed next to Tall Tree. Such an original name.

My favorite part of taking this picture of Jaime was watching her try to get out of the tree afterwards.

These trees are so huge and strong, that they can withstand extreme trauma. Here's an example of a tree that has been burned out in the middle but is still standing. The one on the right, not so lucky. One of the things we learned about them was that one of the reasons they grow so tall is because their bark is incredibly thick, so they're not as susceptible to fire and insects.

I told Jaime to pose with the roots and this is what she did. She didn't want to touch the roots because they were dirty.

The roots of these trees don't go very deep but they sprawl out laterally, interlocking with the roots of other trees forming a safety net for them all. While walking through the forest, we came up with all kinds of gospel applications - our faith is so much stronger when we surround ourselves with others and strengthen each other. That's one of the reasons God sent us here in families - to strengthen and support each other.

Sunday drive

The park surrounds the Eel River, which is incredibly dry. I'd heard about the drought in California, but seeing this nearly dried-up riverbed was a stark visual of just how serious it is.

These knobby things are called burls and indicate a time of stress that the tree endured (See? All kinds of gospel applications!).

This was the biggest tree we saw - The Dyerville Giant. It was the tallest tree they'd measured before it fell, then after it fell they realized it was even taller than they'd thought. I think it was somewhere around 375 feet tall and 17 feet in diameter. This picture is about 20 or 30 feet from one tip looking towards the other - the people in the distance are about 10 or 20 fee from the other end. In the brochure we read, it said that when this tree fell in the 1990s, a neighbor about a mile away thought a train had wrecked because the sound was so loud and the force of the tree falling registered on the Richter scale. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch that!

There are roadside attractions set up along the way with trees you can walk through or drive through or drive onto (all of which we did).

In the 1960s the Eel River flooded and completely washed out a town in the forest. This sign shows the high water mark - the top panel is where the water was.

The natural wonders are always my favorite part of every trip and this did not disappoint. The beauty of our world continually strengthens my testimony of the love Heavenly Father has for us. I'm so grateful to live in such a beautiful place and to have the privilege to see so much of it!