The Source of Worth

After my cousin's sealing yesterday, we stayed to do an endowment session. In the Celestial Room afterwards, my mom and I ended up talking about accepting the Lord's will and not demanding things from Him - even things we think are righteous. In order to truly accept His will, we have to actually accept whatever that is. Our conversation turned to my struggle with still being single, as it often does, and whether or not I would be ok with never getting married, if that's what His plan for me was. Whenever I bring this up, people quickly dismiss it as being pessimistic, but to me it is a very real possibility. And it's a question that has caused me a lot of contemplation: if I never got married, would I be ok? Right now, my answer is no, and that tells me that I still have some work to do towards having complete faith in God and His plan for me. I have worked hard on being patient and accepting His timing, but the implicit assumption is that it will happen. I can wait patiently, but I still have the expectation that it will come. I have to get myself to the point where I can say confidently that yes, of course it's still what I want and I will continue hoping and preparing for it, but if it's not the Lord's will for me, I will be ok. I'm not talking about giving up hope or lowering my expectations. I'm talking about truly and completely trusting Him, whatever it is He chooses to bless me with. 

I have a wonderful life - a loving, supportive family who fills me to absolute bursting, a meaningful job that I enjoy, a beautiful home and plenty of material goods, and countless opportunities to see the world and other cultures. I have been blessed with so much, yet I so often discredit all of that because I don't have what I really want - a husband and children. I make plans and do fun things, but in the back of my mind, I'm still waiting for my life to start. I can't live that way forever. If I really never have the opportunity to get married in this life, I can't have spent my 80+ years waiting for something better. Despite the blessings and opportunities I've had, I've carried with me this burden of insecurity that somehow I'm less of a person - less of a woman, less of a church member, less of a contributor, less of an adult - because I'm single. I assume that others see me and immediately think, "Oh what a shame. She's single." For the past few years, so much of my thoughts and desires have been wrapped up in this one thing, that I perceive it as now being part of my identity. I know in my mind that I am smart, funny, strong, spiritual, and beautiful, but it seems that those things take a backseat to the fact that I'm single. I know in my mind that that's not true, and I know those thoughts don't come from God. In his eyes, my value derives from the fact that I am His daughter and I have divine potential, which I am working to achieve. Now that I've recognized it, I have to work on separating my worth and value as a person from my marital status. Even if I were to get married and have children, my value would not increase. The life I have right now is enough. I am enough.