I have an internal conflict.

Sometimes I look at some pretty cool blogs with gorgeous pictures and witty writing that have 9000 followers. I think to myself: I could do that. I could write that well and I could edit my pictures so they were pretty. Then maybe I'd get more than 8 people looking at my stuff. I don't know why I would want that - it's not like I'm looking to make money off of my blog. It just makes you feel nice, you know, to know that people think you're interesting. I guess it's a popularity contest between me and the rest of the internet universe. Right now I'm losing miserably.

But then I think...meh. I don't really care enough to take the time required to make my blog something people would want to read even if they don't know me. Especially since I don't really have any special talents, like food or crafts or talents. I mean, it's not like I can just make a blog about how gorgeous I am. That's all I've really got going for me anyway.

So I'll just have to content myself with that fact that about ten people read my blog. I'll just have to remember that hundreds of unsuspecting pedestrians see my stunning beauty every day without my even realizing it. I'm touching more lives than I know.

On the other hand, I can make a blog post about how beautiful these flowers are. They're from my thoughtful friends for my birthday. One of my favorite things in the world is fresh flowers in the house. (I'm different from Margaret Tate that way.) My husband will realize this and bring me flowers at least twice a month. His wife will be the happiest wife of all.

Thinking about how I'm not reaching my bloggorific potential makes me think about the lack of -orific anything I have going right now. Let me explain.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a singer. I know every child wants to do that, but I never grew out of my wish. I still wish I could be a singer. In college I got rejected from the music school four times which, I hate to admit, took a little toll on the good ol' self-confidence. Other than that, I never put forth the effort to keep singing. I wasn't in choir in college because I didn't make it my first year and never tried out again. I haven't stuck with my piano-playing and I've never learned to play the guitar so my songwriting abilities are pretty limited. In short, I never accomplished my dream and the likelihood is that I never will.

Usually, I'm ok with this turn of events and I accept it as God's hand in my life. It seems I've been put on a different path, leading me to more glamorous things. Like teaching. Sometimes, though, I wonder if it's really God's will that's gotten me here or just my lack of effort. Could I have done something pretty amazing with a music career if I'd just tried a little harder? If I'd knocked a few more doors or been a little more persistent? Is this a result of my own laziness or is this really what's right for me? What else am I missing out on simply because I wasn't willing to put forth the effort? 9000 blogger followers, apparently.

I'm not sure how to stifle the "I could've been so much more than this" feelings that creep up in my mind and heart sometimes. Maybe that's God's way of telling me that I need to get my butt in gear and actually work for something. Or maybe it's Satan's way of trying to make me feel like what I'm doing right now, which I can recognize is totally worthwhile, is not as good as something that wouldn't have really been very good for me. Sometimes it's just hard to sort it all out.

How do you deal with your disappointments?