God's Love

This will be out of order, but I just wanted to record a special moment that I had today. I've found that as I record moments, I remember them better. And remembering times when Heavenly Father has shown His love to me has been absolutely paramount the last few years. Those memories are often what get me through my trials.

I've been feeling a bit lost the last few months - just not sure where my life should be going and what it is the Lord wants me to be doing. Obviously, I constantly strive to keep God's commandments, serve those around me, and fill my life with good things. But the life I would have described for myself ten years ago is just not my reality and the truth is that it can no longer be a reality exactly the way I imagined it. So it's hard to rework that vision of what my life should be with the different circumstances that exist in my life now. With so much in the air, it makes me anxious. If I can't have what I've always envisioned, then what am I even supposed to be envisioning? My future could look like any number of things and which of those things should I be striving for? Anyway. Growing older is tricky, especially when things aren't going as planned.

As a result of some choices I've made and circumstances I've been in, my desires and priorities and ideas about how life should be approached have also been in flux. I promise I'm not trying to be cryptic. It's just that the details are really not important. What's important is that I've been feeling confused and distanced from God's influence and impact in my life. I feel like I haven't been as close to the Spirit as I have been in the past and I've struggled recognizing God's hand in my life.

One of my current roommates is a great sounding board for half-developed ideas and theories and we talk about them a lot. Sometimes, though, I wonder if talking so much confuses me more. When I don't voice things, they sometimes go away, but once an idea or a thought is put into words, it becomes solidified as a real option and that's not always good for me.

Today was one of those days where I was theorizing about my future. I talked to my roommate about it, I talked to another friend on the phone about it, and I was just feeling unexpectedly unsure about the possibility of hope and happiness in my future. What will I do with my life if I don't have the opportunity of being a wife and mother - the ultimate goal I've been striving for for so long?

During this time, I read a blog post written by my aunt in which she was detailing her experience with infertility. She and I have talked about this before and I have definitely drawn strength from her example of faith and hope in a parallel trial of submitting to the Lord's will and timetable. As I was reading, one part touched my heart and I felt for the first time in several months that Heavenly Father was speaking right to me:

"I wish I knew the reason for the delay.  But I know that Heavenly Father knows, and that’s enough for me. I know they’ll come. Of this I do not doubt. I have received divine promises confirming such. I don’t know exactly when or how, but I know the Lord keeps His promises if I’ll do my part.  I have received answers to so many eternally insignificant prayers over the years, and if Heavenly Father is mindful of those, of course He is mindful of the weightier matters of my heart."

I know this to be true, but I sometimes forget it. The Lord has heard and answered so many of my prayers - many of which directly relate to the trials I'm currently facing - so of course he is constantly aware of the deepest desires of my heart. Today was such a tender mercy as I felt His love and reassurance that He is ever with me, even when I don't feel His presence overtly.