we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow his direction

Over the past week, I've had a couple of pretty powerful spiritual experiences - personal revelation from a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to know about myself what He already knows about me. I've wanted to write about it because I want to keep a record of it. I want to remember. I've debated about actually putting it on the blog, though, because I'm not sure if this is the right forum for it. But I don't think the experiences are too personal or too sacred, and I really think it might help someone else in my same situation. So I'm going for it. Just be warned, this is the longest post in the history of the world. No, seriously. It's out of control long.

Now to see if I can get my feelings into words...

For those of you who aren't familiar with my religious background, I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Members of the Church are often referred to as Mormons, sort of a nickname coming from our belief in The Book of Mormon, which is another testament of Jesus Christ similar to the Bible. Our Church is the same church organized by Jesus Christ and restored through a modern prophet, Joseph Smith in 1830. To this day we still have a living prophet who receives revelation directly from God for the Church and the world as a whole. He is God's mouthpiece on the Earth. The current prophet's name is Thomas S. Monson. Twice a year, we have what's called General Conference, which is four two-hour sessions in which members come together either in the conference center in Salt Lake City or by internet, satellite, etc. It's a time where we can hear counsel, encouragement, and guidance from our prophet and other church leaders. It.is.fabulous. After every conference session I feel renewed in my desire to keep God's commandments, serve those around me, and be an all together better witness for Jesus Christ. Here's a link to the audio, video, and text from all the talks given this past weekend if you're interested in checking out what a living prophet has to say. I highly recommend it.

Though I do always feel uplifted from General Conference, I don't always feel like I receive special answers for me individually. Usually it's just good counsel that all people should follow, me included. This time around, though, I decided to go into Conference with a real, pressing question in mind. I went searching for answers and for comfort concerning something that had been weighing on my mind the past few weeks. This is where it gets a little personal. I'm 25 years-old. In our church, it's common to get married young and begin your family right away. Not because we're brainwashed to do so, but because the family is the most important part of our lives on earth. In a lot of ways, it is our main purpose on earth: to form and strengthen families that we will be able to have forever, even beyond this life. So, yes, there's a lot of pressure to get married young. But I think it's a good pressure, as long as both people are ready and understand the kind of commitment that marriage and family requires. When I got back from my mission, I was ready. I wanted to get married and I wanted to be a mother. I wanted the chance to teach my children the truth about their Heavenly Father and their divine worth as children of Him. I wanted the chance to love them more than any other mortal person could ever love them. I wanted the chance to be in a committed relationship with a man that I could respect, love, support, admire, encourage, adore, and learn with. I wanted the chance to feel like the most beautiful, smart, and amazing woman on earth because of the affection and admiration of a loving husband. I wanted a family.

I still do. It's been three years. Now, I recognize I'm still young by the world's standards. I know it's not common to be married by 25, let alone have children. But I don't want to live by the world's standards. I want to live by God's standards. He's commanded us to form families and become righteous spouses and parents. I am so willing and ready to live this commandment, but it's not one I can just decide to do on my own. Turns out there have to be two people to start a family, and so far no one's presented themselves for the other spot. Occasionally, I'm comforted by the fact that I have several very close wonderful girl friends who are in the same position - ready and willing, but without the opportunity. That doesn't always comfort me, though. It usually just makes me hurt for them, too. Why is there no one for these amazing, talented, gorgeous girls, some of whom are even older than I am. Why is this a blessing that we, who are so willing to do whatever it takes, are not able to have. Why would God command me to do something then not provide the way for me to accomplish it? I can't get married by myself.

About this time is where the ugly green-eyed monster steps in. I look around at the dozens of friends I have who are married and are enjoying their families. These are girls who I grew up with, same age as me, who have been married for over five years. Some have multiple children. Some are a few years younger than me and already enjoying this blessing. What do they have that I don't? Why do they get to have a family and I don't? What am I doing wrong? Is there something unloveable about me? Am I unworthy? I can always find at least one person who I feel is less qualified than I am, but who has more than I do. I come to recognize, though, that these feelings don't help me. I still feel bad about my own situation and now I feel bad about theirs, too. They are wonderful, beautiful people who deserve all the happiness they have. I don't really want to take theirs away. I'd just like to have some of my own. I'd be more than happy to sit and talk about their children if I had some of my own to brag about.

To make matters worse, I've either taught or listened to several lessons and talks recently emphasizing the importance of families and their fundamental role in the plan of our Heavenly Father. I taught a lesson just the other day about healthy, righteous marriage relationships. I think the last four lessons we've had in Relief Society have had something to do with families or marriage. GOT IT. Now why can't I have the opportunity to apply those things in my own life?

This leads me to General Conference. These were the feelings and thoughts I'd had running through my head the weeks leading up to Conference. I had humbled myself enough to avoid going into Conference with the question, "Why in the world can't I just get married already?" I'd already been schooled a few weeks earlier during a talk by Sister Oaks, Elder Oaks' (an apostle) wife, who didn't get married until her 50s. She very cheerily and personally invited us to not be bitter, for that is not attractive. Instead, I should use this time I have to improve as much about myself as I can. I should serve as much as I can. I have to become the kind of person I want to marry, or I will never find someone good enough. When I finally do get married, I don't want to look back on these years of singlehood and lament how much time I wasted being bitter about not being married, instead of doing something productive. So. I wasn't asking that question. I was asking a much more humble, more teachable question: What do I need to do in my life to better prepare myself so that when the time comes, when the right person comes along after a million years, I'll be completely ready and he will want me, because I will be a catch. I'm not just talking getting my body into shape either. I wanted to get my spirit into shape. So I was asking for help in identifying those things I could improve while I have the time and energy to do it. That was my official question.

But because I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows my heart and my truest desires, he answered the first one.

Throughout the first session, I'd received some inspiration as to small things I could change to be better. But halfway through the second session of Conference, Elder Neil L. Anderson gave a talk simply titled, "Children." He talked all about how we should not forget the commandment God gave to Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth. We shouldn't wait to have children until we can afford it or until it's convenient. Gotcha, Elder Anderson. Can't do much by myself.

Then he said, "The bearing of children is a sensitive subject that can be very painful for righteous women who do not have the opportunity to marry and have a family. To you noble women, our Heavenly Father knows your prayers and desires. How grateful we are for your remarkable influence, including reaching out with loving arms to children who need your faith and strength." I'm pretty sure the tears came instantly. That is me. Talking about children or marriage is very painful for me. I try to be positive and supportive of others, but the truth is, it just hurts. I don't remember exactly what happened, but the next thing I knew, tears were streaming down my face as I sat on the couch at Jaime's house.

I realized then that I may not ever know why I have to go through this particular trial. I may not ever know why I have to wait so long for this blessing while countless others all around me are already there. But I learned then that it doesn't matter. I don't have to know. I just have to learn to trust him and that He knows what's best for me. I have to trust that when the time is right, it will happen and it will be worth it. Until then, I have to be positive and have faith. When talking to my mom about this, she pointed out that it's like with children who want to know the reason for everything. Sometimes, the answer is just "Because I said so." Not because it's a power trip, but because the reasons won't make it any easier. It's not up for debate. I realized that if He gave me reasons, I'd try to refute them all. I wouldn't be able to accept them. That's not the point. Sometimes it's better if we don't know. The knowledge and spiritual power we gain in the process is worth more than knowing the reasons. It reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. It's in 2 Nephi 2:24: "All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." He knows all things and He's the one in control. We just have to trust Him. I had received my answer, but the pain was still there. I knew I would just have to trust, but that didn't take away the hurt of having to wait.

Jaime's parents came in and I didn't want them to see me crying so I went to the bathroom to try to get control of myself but instead ended up on my knees sobbing and begging for comfort. I could see that this was God's plan for me. I didn't know why, and maybe I never will. That's ok. I was willing to accept that, but I was going to need a pretty powerful confirmation to get me through the tough times ahead. All I wanted was to feel that He really was aware of my prayers and desires. I just needed to know that He was there, and then I would be willing to do whatever it was I had to do. I would be willing to wait and to trust Him, I just needed something to look back on when it's painful. I sat there on the floor for a few minutes aching to feel that sweet, peaceful assurance I've heard so many other people talk about. You know, the one where they feel like someone has wrapped their arms around them? Or the warmth like a blanket on their shoulders? Any of those would do. But it didn't come. I know myself well enough to know that things like that don't happen to me. Never have. God doesn't work with me that way. But I wanted it just that one time. So as I realized that I was kneeling on a dirty bathroom floor pleading for something that I knew wouldn't come, I just accepted things as they were and stood up to try to save what was left of my make-up. I was resigned to accept that I would keep going with a good attitude, not because I had felt the powerful confirmation, but because it was the right thing to do. And I always do the right thing. Not receiving that confirmation at that time wouldn't shake my testimony or drive me away from my Heavenly Father. He and I both knew that.

I finally got myself under control and returned to the couch. By this time I'd missed almost all of the next talk, which was about using time wisely. Something I probably could have benefitted from. I'll have to go back and read that one. I caught the last few minutes, then Elder Carl Cook stood and began his talk. He told a story about how weighed down he had felt when first called as a Seventy (a pretty high up leader in the Church). He felt the weight of the responsibility on his shoulders and was wondering if he could really do what he was being asked to do. He said he was riding the elevator down to go home one day, looking down at his shoes while experiencing these feelings of inadequacy. The doors opened and in walked President Monson, the prophet, though Elder Cook didn't realize it was him. President Monson asked, "What are you looking at down there?" When Elder Cook said he was looking at nothing, President Monson reponded, "It is better to look up!" The story didn't really strike me as anything special. It was funny, and the gospel applications were obvious. But what struck me was the next thing he said.

"As we parted, the words of a scripture came to mind: 'Believe in God; believe that he is … ; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth.' As I thought of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s power, my heart found the comfort I had sought in vain from the floor of that descending elevator."

The scripture he mentioned is Mosiah 4:9, from the Book of Mormon. When I heard him cite that scripture, all of a sudden the powerful confirmation I had been seeking just a few minutes earlier came. Not because I needed it, because as I mentioned before, I think God and I both knew I would still press forward even without it. But because He is my Heavenly Father. I am His daughter. He loves me and knows the sorrows and desires of my heart. In his subtle, gentle way, He was imploring me to trust Him and to trust that He loved me and this really was the best thing for me.

Elder Cook said, "President Monson’s encouragement to look up is a metaphor for remembering Christ. As we remember Him and trust in His power, we receive strength through His Atonement. It is the means whereby we can be relieved of our anxieties, our burdens, and our suffering. It is the means whereby we can be forgiven and healed from the pain of our sins. It is the means whereby we can receive the faith and strength to endure all things."

Because my Heavenly Father loves me, He sent His son Jesus Christ to suffer all things in His Atonement. Because of that Atonement, I can receive the comfort and strength I need when my trials are just too painful for me to bear on my own.

He continued, "We are Heavenly Father’s children. He wants to be a part of our lives, to bless us, and to help us. He will heal our wounds, dry our tears, and help us along our path to return to His presence. As we look to Him, He will lead us."

I felt that comfort and strength and knew I would be able to do whatever Heavenly Father asked as long as I trusted in Him.

Then. This past week I was in my work staff meeting. We were talking about reading the Book of Mormon with our missionaries, and my boss gave us the chance to practice it in small groups. We were reading 2 Nephi 32, and I was so struck by the frankness of Nephi and his explanation of why we need to actively study and seek knowledge from the scriptures. Verse 7 hit me especially powerfully. It says, "And now I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because of the unbelief, and the wickedness, and the ignorance, and the stiffneckedness of men; for they will not search knowledge, nor understand great knowledge, when it is given unto them in plainness, even as plain as word can be."

I realized my personal scripture study has been seriously lacking lately because I'm not searching knowledge. I read the scriptures, yes, but I don't search for knowledge when reading them. Therefore, I get nothing out of them - I don't understand great knowledge. I can't expect to grow and receive answers from my Heavenly Father if I don't give Him the chance to answer me through the scriptures.

After the meeting, I decided to demonstrate teaching someone through the Book of Mormon to my missionaries. My boss was in my classroom observing me so he acted as the member I was teaching. I used the same verses and we both felt the Spirit really strongly again. As I was testifying to him that the Lord has so many things to tell us and share with us, if only we would search them out, I realized this was at least one answer to my "official" General Conference question: what do I need to do to prepare myself for marriage? For one, I need to improve myself spiritually. A big part of that improvement will come as I search for knowledge through the scriptures. I realized that my Heavenly Father has so much to tell me, but I don't qualify for that information because I don't seek it.

This may seem like a really simple discovery, and it was. It wasn't anything new. I know how to receive answers through the scriptures and I wasn't doing it. But at the time, it hit me with intense power and I realized that this would be a key in my spiritual progression over the next little while. If I would be willing to make scripture study a priority, Heavenly Father would bless me with greater understanding and knowledge. He would answer my questions. In verse 3 of that same chapter, Nephi says, "Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

As I was pondering about this scripture, it reminded me of another talk from Conference - Elder Bednar's. He talked about doing family history work and invited the youth of the church to participate. He made a promise that if the youth heed the invitation to do family history work, "[they] will be protected against the intensifying influence of the adversary. As [they] participate in and love this holy work, [they] will be safeguarded in [their] youth and throughout [their] lives." I thought about that a lot because it seems really unrelated. How is genealogy going to protect anyone from the power of the devil? I don't think it does. But I think the added Spirit and testimony that comes with doing that work does protect us. If we fill our lives with good, productive things like family history work, we don't have as much time for the bad stuff. We'll have more of the Spirit and less of a desire to even be tempted by anything else. I thought about this in terms of 2 Nephi 32:3: how can the words of Christ really tell us all things that we should do? How can the Book of Mormon tell me what job to have? It can't. There's nothing written in there telling me what specific job I should have, where I should live, or who I should marry. But as I fill my life, my mind, and my heart with the words of Christ, I am choosing at the same time to fill my life, mind, and heart with the Holy Ghost, which can tell me very specifically what I should do. Through studying the scriptures, I can receive very specific, very personal revelation. If I am not studying the scriptures intently, I am missing out on that revelation which I so desperately need.

As I bore testimony of that to my boss, I was touched by the love and patience of my Heavenly Father who allowed me to have these experiences to help me understand His will for me: both things I can control and things I can't. As I learn to trust Him, have faith in His timing, and fill my life with the words of Christ, bringing the Spirit in as strongly as possible, I can be happy in any situation, even as a single woman in a very family-oriented church. And when the opportunity comes for me to have a family of my own, I will be prepared and it will be right.

And it will be so worth it.